Part Three: Big Girl Panties/You Let It Go

She wants to say she never believed him, that she only wanted to. That she'd known better, when he'd whispered 'I love you' and slipped inside her. She wants to wish away those nights they'd fallen asleep next to one another, those long car rides home, her head on his shoulder. To burn the snapshots from her retinas; steering wheels and headlights, you and me under those same stars.

More importantly, she wants to know when. When loving her turned into that lesser artistic representation he always strove to avoid. In the end, when you pressed your hands against my flesh, did you even see me or the woman you wished I was?

And why. Always, why. Why he'd pulled her through the loops and verses of everyday living, knowing he'd already replaced her in every way but one. I couldn't have loved you better.

As if he knows she's gone rather suddenly blank, he rushes to her rescue. In some dim, distant part of her brain, she's grateful that he's still capable of reading her mind, her cues. Even if he's forsaken the right to do so. "It wasn't you. You didn't do anything wrong. I didn't stop, and I didn't go looking. It happened, and I made a choice."

The right choice. She doesn't need to read his mind to hear the unspoken words. Whatever vestige of love he has left for her, entirely eclipsed by the woman who'd stolen him away. What do you do with love like that?

You let it go. You pour a drink. And tomorrow, you begin a life with no restraints on your heart.

So I'm sitting here, snuggled by myself in my warm bed, watching DVDs and painting my nails, sipping on some extra sweet Chardonnay. Raise your glass with me tonight world! Elle put on her big girl panties and decided to let go.


Landlocked Mermaid said...

good girl it takes a lonnnng loonnnng time to get him out of your heart. and some part of him will always be there. but he can't hurt you anymore. remember that. here is to you sweet one.. here is to tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow and the many many beautiful days ahead xo

The Fabulous Side of Me said...

You rock! And big girl panties aren't so bad once you get use to them :)

AJ said...

Three things:

1) Goddammit you SUCH a good writer. I read your blog for an hour this afternoon!

2) Probably not what you wanna hear but he kinda sounds like a dick.

3) my blog address is:

I assume you just enter that wherever you entered all the other blogs you follow.

Milltini said...

hell yes, I'm raising my glass to you and this huge break-through!

The Fabulous Life of a Southern Belle said...

Girl did you write all this? Cause if so then you seriously need to publish a book!

Elle said...

Landlocked Mermaid - Thanks so much from the bottom of my heart for your toast!! You're the best

AJ- You are one of my new faves and you're such a sweetheart. I appreciate the honesty. I KNOW he is a dick, but.... well... I love dick. (AH Keep it PG-13)

Milltini - Thanks love, I love hearing from you, such great support!

Southern Belle - HEYYYY! Thank you! Just a bigger vocabulary then i tend to the let world in on! LOL Too much reading as a kid!

Spicy Wifey said...

Whats wrong with big girl panties? Some like it like that!
Its just in how you work them. If you feel good, go for it!

Sometimes you do have to let it go, regroup and start a new.

Good Gals Inc said...

My mom always said that expression to me and it's so true! Big girl panties are something that need to become your best friend....

Cheryl said...

Good for you!
I'm raising my glass to you tonight.

insomniaclolita said...

Youre really brave. and it's good for you to let it go, I will toast for you tonight too.