How to Be the BEST Bitch You Can Be!

Insults are fun, and more often than not the imagery they portray is better than the look on the face of the person on the receiving end. While it is important to act maturely, and keep your snide comments and snarky quips to the bare minimum, the truth is that some people need to be knocked down a notch once in a great while. When you become a blogger, you do one of two things. You either learn to embrace the insults thrown your way and find some sort of constructive criticsm in them, or you freak out over anything that could be misconstrued in a negative light. Everyone has their own style, so I'm just going to let you in on a few of my secrets.

Remember, insults and bickering are unbecoming of a lady, if you are going to fight do it in pudding.

Feign Superiority.

When insulting someone that you really don't care for, always take the high ground, Cross your arms, roll your eyes, and basically do anything your momma would slap you for. Nothing is more infuriating than someone who laughs at you when you are serious, so laugh at your target. Moral superiority is bogus, but if you can act like you believe it, you will win. People get red hot, right quick when confronted with someone who thinks they are better than them. Take a moment to think of the last time you argued with someone. To really frustrate someone go ahead and feel superior, even if its totally fake.

Keep it short.

Short insults are better insults, plain and simple. Draw it out and your opponent may get glassy eyed. A simple up-front verbal kick to the nads is all it takes. Remind them you know what you are doing.

Speak Clearly.

Do not curse, the moment you use a curse word, you have lost all credibility. This is especially true when debating anything serious, religion, politics, and of course baby-makin. Cursing is a very lazy way to speak, and while I insist that curse words have their time and place, it shouldn't be while insulting someone. Insults are a time to display your vast vocabulary, dwarfing the other person if possible.

Pick your argument. Stick to it.

Even when you are wrong, it's best to just keep treading water. Commitment is a sign of confidence, even if it is artificial.

Hit em where it hurts.

Is it that pretty girl who keeps picking on you, the one you know has the subterranean self esteem? Go for the weak spots, and throw what you know. If someone shows weakness, they are asking to be defeated. Take it, it's yours.

Hot heads lose battles.

Whatever you do, whatever you do in a fight, DO NOT get pissed. The minute you lose your cool, your opponent wins. Getting emotional over an insult is ridiculous, step back and think about where you will be in five years, is this something that you are going to remember, or are you whining about your girlfriend borrowing your favorite sweater, again? If you are REALLY ready to unleash the beast, then go for it. But make sure you are really ready.

There ya go, some pointers to help you be a professional insult artist. But before I go, one more thing.....

Bitch slapping rules:
If your opponent plays the victim card (i.e. you make a cancer joke, and they respond with "My mom died of cancer.") and then continues to fight, 100% of the time, they're lying. If it's true, they will say something like "dude, my mom actually did die of cancer, chill out." THEN cease fire, at least unless you come back at them some more or they won't acknowledge it, because then that would give their opponent more power and ammunition.

Let's do an exercise, and purge all this negative energy from our systems!
Please do be so kind as to add your favorites to this list, since I always love a good come-back.

• You have a mind like a steel trap, anything that gets inside is crushed and mangled.
• You have the personality of a snail on valium.
• Yo momma's so fat Her blood type is Ragu.
• In the shopping mall of the mind, You are in the toy department

Bitches Out There, Hit me with your best shot and Share a story of verbal victory or something incredibly bitchy and insulting that you have uttered from those glossy lips.


Good Gals Inc said...

This was a great post!!!! When I was in middle school or something. The boob fairy hit me very early. So I was CONSTANTLY getting girls in the locker room saying I stuffed my bra and I was so fake and whatever. After they said all these insults, I flashed em to prove they were making it up. That didn't help much either!!

insomniaclolita said...

I dont usually bitch, but this girl was so annoying so I had to be all mean to her. You know the girl who thinks she's all that, I was totally provoked.

June Saville said...

After 72 years on this planet, I also believe that moral superiority, even if feigned, is probably the way to go.
June in Oz

Brooke said...

I really needed to read this. Im going to actually come back and study it!
I am dealing with my ex husbands new wife picking me apart constantly, and just saying the most God awful things about me...and Ive been so stuck in my mommy/church mode for so long, all I do is cry? Ive been ready to "fight" back, and didnt know where to start.
you've inspired me!! : )

Cheryl said...

Miranda Priesley. She's the ultimate awesome bitch.

Shasta said...

Holy Hell in a Handbasket girl, I needed this, just like the other girls have said. This is now a reference guid that I have saved to my hard-drive, you are a genius. This is when I must learn to quit taking things so persoanlly! Thank you!

Robyn said...

lol...this post made me smile :) Thanks for the advice. I'll def. keep it in mind next time the bitch in me decides to come out and play.

Life at the White House said...

awesome post - i just laughed hysterically and wrote down a few of your best tips. ;-)

Anonymous said...

My best insult happened completely unplanned and at a time when I had use of very few of my brain cells.
My husband and I had been at a wedding ( lots of drinks had). We went out with some folks after, and when leaving one of the clubs I noticed something uncalled for. My husband was walking ahead and some girl took hold of his tie stroking and complementing it seductively. I marched up to tell her to get her damn hands of him. She tried to mouth off along with her fat friend. I responded " I can't understand you without an interpreter because I don't speak fat, ugly bitch". I got cheers and snaps from all the people waiting outside the people, and it pretty much made my night.