Thursday

"So You Had a Bad Day .... "

So you know when you're going through some life-changing relationship liason, broken hearted and pessimistic about everything, very Ne-YO "So Sick" without the power to actually turn off the radio? Well that was today. It's like my heart was waiting on the corner of the street, and a car flew by and covered it with mud. And then a loving couple is holding hands in front of me and I'm running to my next class with a broken heel and my morning perk-up spilled all over my new creme colored blouse.

You're all invited to my pity party. No streamers, no balloons, no delicious diet-breaking cake or chocolate waterfall. I know it's time for a change in my life, I want to make it, I see the "signs" in me.



Within the past year or so I have been making monumental mistakes, acting purely on vodka or insecurity. People I know have lost respect for me, I am losing respect for me. And that is what is killing me. I have held my head proud and because of what I know is on the inside, I can wake up one more day. Not anymore. I can hear your advice "It doesn't matter what people think, if you know inside what you are, it doesn't matter what anyone else says." But none of that rings true to me. It is simply hovering on the surface with all the rest of the advice that is so easily given but rarely taken.

"We all make mistakes." "If they believe a conclusion like that without even knowing the facts, they aren't worth your time."

But we have all been on the other side, bashing the best of us who have made "big mistakes". We hear about someone's reputation and think "Yea, she's trash - I heard that she ..." or "People like that never change, that girl..." Well, Now I'm THAT GIRL.

What happens when suddenly I am finding myself defined by the opinions of others? I've lost friends, boyfriends and even potential boyfriends (after the fact) because of the reputation I have created for myself in collaboration with the spin on things the grapevine always provides (Remember the Telephone Game in elementary school?)

Something more painful and overwhelming is that I am disgusted with the author of this very post, ashamed of the very feelings I feel, completely uninspired and feeling like I've got nothing.

Mistakes. We are supposed to get past them. It's not a mistake if you learn from it. My mistakes turned my entire world around, and I'm left kneeling on the ground with the pieces scattered around me. These broken relationships, the good reputation that I had that is now rubble, all a dark reminder of the consequences of my actions.

I'm still resisting accepting that when things are broken, sometimes they can't be fixed. I'm still baffled by the idea that no matter how genuine my apologies and attempts are to mend wounds, it will never be enough.

Everyday I let myself sink deeper into this ominous "funk" that I know if my friend were going through I would be maniacally concerned. Ice cream and shoe shopping doesn't fix this pain when I'm about to fall asleep. I feel desperate, out of control.


9 Comments:

Charis said...

Oh my goodness you poor thing.

It sucks, SUCKS to be where you are. And not that everyone's felt it, but a lot of us have, and I sure have!

I had someone really smart tell me that the virtue isn't in pulling yourself up and denying your emotions, but that the true beauty and virtue is in feeling how you're feeling and not being ashamed. If you feel like crap, go ahead, feel like crap. But, sooner or later (probably sooner, if you truly give in to it and don't try to fight it, therefore giving it more strength to kick you when you're down and a broken heel or spilled coffee puts a crack in your "cheery" exterior), a tiny piece of you will, basically, get bored of it. So, do what the tiny piece of you wants to do - go dancing (w/o getting wasted, or else you'll just feel worse the next day all over again), or go take a yoga class, or better yet, go have a picnic or a little weekend retreat all by yourself. And slowly, you'll climb up out of it.

I know you're in the throws of an emotion and it's impossible to believe that you'll be happy again, but you will! Just give it time...

Sending prayers and good energy your way!

Milltini said...

I was in a very, very, very similar place to you not too long ago. Spiraling a bit after a relationship that should have ended (and took too long to end) finally did and I wasn't really sure who I was or where I was going. I masked it with crazy nights out, lots of dating, but inside I'm a mess. I have struggled with the same issues in terms of worrying how everyone else perceived me, and this is a real struggle. The way we are perceived is incredibly important, no doubt about that. But let me give you the best piece of advice that I ever got: forgive YOURSELF. I promise, promise, promise if you make the choice to make some changes and hold yourself to it, you will come out on the other side thankful that you now know rock bottom and never have to go back there. Let yourself off the hook, and everyone else will too (people have very, very short term memories).

I would also recommend that maybe you find a way to connect to a new group of people, socially. I'm not saying go out and get a whole new group of friends--but maybe come up with some different activities that you are interested in that will put you in contact with new and interesting people. This doesn't have to be something that will help you meet a new boyfriend--focus on meeting new people first and foremost. Doing this will help you remember that we are never married to the mistakes we make.

Keep your head up and try to stay positive. Remember that this to shall pass, its just not going to be easy in the meantime. XOXOXOXO!

Rosemarie said...

We're blogger girl friends, right?..

I'm not joining your pity party.. I'M NOT! And I'm pulling you out of this waste-of-time moment!

The most important ingredient for change is letting go of all your fears. We don't have a Rewind-Button and there's no such thing as starting over. But you can start tomorrow and make new and improve endings. Change helps us find our place and comfortable life in this world.

Open your new-shiney-glamourous-pink-sparkley-door and close that old-played out-rusty one!

Ruggy13 said...

I get into these types of moods also and every time I come to ONE conclusion. The past is the past and if you ever want to snap out of it and enjoy your future, you HAVE to be willing to say, fuck the past I'm moving on. Take your good friends with you and leave the rest behind! You can't change ANYTHING about the past, there's nothing that you can do to make yourself feel better about it except make it a positive. You made a mistake, the positive side, is that now you know... it's a mistake.

"So Hold you head high gorgeous,
Show the world your fine,
Don’t give in to the heartache,
Because People would kill to see you fall"

Feel better soon! Find the beauty in every day little things!

The Fabulous Side of Me said...

I hope you have some good friends around you now, physically. Give me their phone #'s so I can call them and tell them to keep an eye on you! :-) If I were there, even though I do not know you, I would wrap you in a big huge hug. It will get better. God will not give you more than you can handle. I know, I have been there. *HUGE HUG*

Cheryl said...

I give terrible advice, but I will tell you this much- making mistakes and dealing with its aftermath is an inevitable part of life. At one point, we're all sitting on the same ground forced to confront our past and the broken pieces that have been left behind. You're not alone in this fight to figure out yourself. No mistake is ever too monumental, and the second you work things out with yourself, everything else will fall into place. Those who have drifted away, but still really care about you will be there to help you change rather than judge you. Don't ever allow yourself to believe you're less than someone amazing. Breathe and relax, and take it one step at a time. You're going to be fine.

Good Gals Inc said...

first off, you and I are both in pity parties together! (You should read my post yesterday). I have made some MAJOR mistakes in my life. And they are still affecting me to this day and even in blog land (if you can believe). It is so hard and no one will be able to say anything that will cure that. I also really care what people think about me. I always have and people call me to sensitive which maybe I am but hell, that's me. So don't let people say "just get over it". Because HELLO, its not that easy!!! You really need some you time. Just to re-evaluate where you are and where you wan to be. I was really horrible to someone a few years ago and I walked around with this guilt for years before I emailed them and said, "can we meet up, I'd like to talk?". So I think being upfront and honest (even if it might cause a little confrontation) is best. Clear the air, tell them all who you are and where you are trying to go and if they believe ya, good and if they don't then that is something we have to deal with as well.
Sorry for my long ramble. I just really know what you are going through and I want you to know if you want to email me or call me to talk I guarentte you that I have been there and can talk to you. I mean that. Email me if you want to talk. I really hope you can just relax this weekend in some PJ's.

Bella@That damn expat said...

Umm I just found your blog and, even though I like it, it seems a little hypocritical to offer advice.

What I will say is that EVERYONE feels like this sometimes. I had some problems, sought out help and moved on. But when I started talking about my problems, everyone chimed in and it turned out I wasn't the only one crazed. Au contraire. Those fuckers all had problems but hid them.

Elizabeth Marie said...

I think I stumbled across your blog on purpose...I feel like this TODAY right now, and I have tears flowing, yep I'm that girl too.

We will get through this, and knowing that someone else is going through the same thing as me, someone I don't know somehow makes me feel not so alone. So thank you for sharing.